The Strawhat's MOTHER?
by Lord Stingdingdingdingdingworth
Summary: The crew has faced Alvida, Axehand Morgan, Buggy, Kuro, Don Kreig and Arlong. now they must face their worst enemy yet, Luffy's Mother!
1. An unexpected guest

**The Straw-hat's...MOTHER?**

An ear-splitting yell made everyone jump.

"Luffy!" A gigantic figure rushed up and embraced said pirate captain.

Zoro quickly unsheathed his swords and jumped…only to be pushed back by a large pudgy arm. "None of that, sonny."

He landed hard. "Luffy, what the-"

His eyes widened as the arm snapped back to the enormous woman Luffy was clinging to. "I'll not have any funny business while I'm visiting my son the Pirate King."

Sanji, Usopp, Nami and Zoro all stared. "SON?"

Luffy laughed and squeezed her tighter. "It's great to see you, Mum!"

"MUM?"

She frowned in perplexion. "Is there an echo?"

Luffy scrunched up his face in confusion. "I was just wondering the same thing!"

Everyone else groaned. As if Luffy wasn't bad enough, now they have to suffer his mother!

Everyone took a look at her. She was a very fat woman with a big red dress (like from the thirties) and like luffy she wore a straw hat but hers was pink and covered in flowers. She had lips so big and red it looked like someone taped a baboon's ass on to her face. All of the crew was hypnotized by her apperance.

Nami snapped out of it first. "Well Luffy, what exactly is your mother doing here?"

Luffy's mother (Hereafter Mrs. D) gave a little shriek when she looked at Nami. She marched up to her, (Luffy still holding on) pulled a monstrous coat from the handbag she carried, and flung it over Nami. "I do NOT want my little Luffykins to have a stripper as a crew member!"

"What!" Nami shouted.

"Listen, dear, the emperor's new clothes' was a very nice story, but it's time to stop playing pretend."

Nami struggled to free herself from the vast folds of the coat, with futile results, as Luffy looked on and laughed. "You look funny, Nami!"

"Are you telling me, stripping McGee, that my little pirate king didn't tell you I was coming?"

"Nope" Nami grumbled, still wrestling the expansive coat. "And frankly I don't care about that; all I want is for you to get going!"

"How dare you!" Mrs. D shouted, quite stunned. "I shall show you a piece of my mind"

Then suddenly Nami went completely bald.

"AHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"I used my devil fruit power the author author fruit, it allows me to alter this story anyway I want!" replied Mrs. D smugly. (Cough, Cough, Mary Sue, Cough Cough)

"Dis just keeps getting' weirder and weirder," Sanji commented.

Mrs. D turned her attention to the cook. "And who might YOU be?"

"My name is Sanji. I'm the ship's chef, and-"

Without hesitation her arm shot out, snagged his cigarette, and flicked it overboard.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOOOOOOOOR!" he shouted in disbelief.

"I'll not let my little Luffykins be fed by a chef who smokes." Her long arm reached out and pinched his cheek. "Besides, it's a nasty habit."

Luffy nuzzled into her. "Thanks, mum. I was sick of his chain smoking."

"Aww, ain't that sweet, Luffy," Zoro sneered. "You gonna let Mummy take care of you, the great Pirate King?"

"Yep!" Luffy said cheerily, oblivious to Zoro's sarcasm.

Mrs. D fixed her gaze on him. "Young man, what on earth are you doing with those sharp knives? You could hurt somebody!"

Before he could react, the swords were in her hand. "HEY!"

She tossed them over the side.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Zolo began to freak.

"What's the matter with you, woman!" Usopp shouted in her ear. "You went and made him mad! NOW HE'S GONNA ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow…"

Without a word she had caught hold of his nose. Calmly she flung him into the air.

He landed with a thud on the otherside of the ship.

Mrs. D dusted her hands. "Goodness, that man was annoying person I ever met!"

(sorry for the remark Usopp fans.)

Luffy surveyed his crew: A bladeless Zolo, panicking; a smokeless Sanji, pawing frantically through his pockets for a ciggie; a bald Nami, still trying to escape the clutches of the mammoth coat; and an injured Usopp, moaning in pain. "Yay mum! You got rid of all the ship's garbage!"

"Christ I cant see this story ending well" moaned Usopp.

To be continued...


	2. pot & groin twisting, oh my!

**The Strawhat's... Mother?**

After the tortures of the previous day the crew was already planning Mrs. D's demise! (Note: I love that word.)

Luffy (who had finally detached from Mrs. D) woke up and went to the kitchen and saw Sanji sharpening his knifes.

"What ya doin' Sanji?" asked Luffy.

"Me?" he said evilly "I'm just getting ready to make 'Mrs. D ala dead!' Mwhahahahahaha!"

"Cool! Do you think Mummy will like it!" asked Luffy.

"Let's just say" replied Sanji "that it's got your mother written all over it. Mwhahahahahaha!"

"You seem to be in a happy mood Tarlungs!" said the dreaded Mrs. D Coming down the stairs.

"Now for breakfast I want two pieces of toast cooked over an oven of 30 degrees and a half concentrated orange juice and Then I want-"

"SHUT UP YOU OLD BAG! I AM SO SICK OF YOU! FIRST YOU THROW AWAY MY CIGGERITE THEN THROW AWAY MY WHOLE STASH OF THEM, THEN YOU STEAL MY STASH OF POT-" "YOU HAVE POT!" screamed Mrs. D completely outraged.

"What! You didn't know about the pot?" said Sanji in fear.

"IF I KNEW I WOULD HAVE DESTROYED IT ALL!" shrieked Mrs. D.

"If you didn't take it then who did?" said Sanji preparing for his doom.

Meanwhile in the bathroom of the Going Merry...

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Shizit Zoro this is a great idea stealing this dope!" said Usopp completely stoned.

"thanks Osupp!" said Zoro also stoned.

"Dude you must be stoned big time, my name aint 'Osupp' it's Pposu!" replied the long nosed stoner.

"Oh yeah AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" rambled Zoro.

Then the door opened and Nami walked in and gasped. "you guys are smoking pot... without me!" said Nami very shocked.

"Oh sorry Nami" said 'Pposu' "didn't know you liked it, join the tote party!"

"Sorry did you say somethin'?" said Nami, already smoking her second joint.

Now back to the kitchen scene already in progress...

Luffy was currently watching his mother beat the shit out of his chef. "YOU DARE BRING DRUGS ON BOARD WITH MY LITTLE LUFFYKINS AROUND!"Shrieked Mrs. D obviously pissed off.

"Lady please settle down, I just- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Sanji, grabbing his nuts "WHY AM I IN SUCH PAIN!"

"Simple I'm using my Author Author fruit powers to twist your nether regions around and around" said Mrs. D as though everyone could do it.

"Mummy I'm bored so I'm going to go outside" said Luffy.

"Put a coat on or you'll get Polio!" replied the insane mother.

"I don't have any bones" said Luffy (note: I'm only guessing that.)

"That's because you didn't eat your beans!"

Meanwhile on a pirate ship 20 miles away from the merry go...

"Captain I hate stories were the main character's mother comes to visit and meddles with everyone's lives" said the first mate to his captain "there is currently a Mother on the merry go who is meddling with everyone's lives!"

"WHAT? We must stop this stupid and repetitive story immediately! Set sail for the Going Merry!" shouted the captain!

To be continued...


	3. The new enemies

**A strawhat's MOTHER!**

**Hi welcome to chapter 3. You're all probably wondering if I fell off the face of the earth or something after waiting this long, well to be honest I forgot I even did this story! You've been waiting 3 months so I won't hold you from it any longer. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own one piece. Except it.**

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Going Merry...

A day had passed since the previous events on board the ship.

Zoro, Usopp and Nami have de-drugged (note: you think of a better word!) since their tote-party and were well... having issues with Mrs. D.

"YOU BITCH!" screamed Nami remembering she was bald "I WANT MY HAIR BACK AND I WANT IT NOW!"

"Very well" said the old woman calmly, which can only be a bad thing.

Poof

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Nami's hair was now grey, curly and worst of all (in Nami's eyes) had hair curlers everywhere

"MY HAIR IS LIKE... IS LIKE... YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

then she fell to her knees and cried.

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The bathroom...

Like Nami, Zoro was also having problems due to Mrs. D.

"Swords... Need... swords..." whimpered Zoro in the corner of the bathroom while in the fetal position "Katanas... daggers... those really cool looking ones from the middle ages... must... have... swords..."

Then in the corner of his eyes he saw three shining blades.

"SWORDS!" screamed the demented swordsman.

He ran to the swords put one in his mouth and started doing his sword attacks and such.

He was never so happy in his life until... "You! Zero or whatever your name is, I'm trying to clean up, so put down those plungers down and take that toilet brush out of your mouth!" said Mrs. D.

"You had to ruin my fantasy didn't you" said Zoro.

"If it means that you'll get that toilet brush out of your mouth than yes." Said Mrs. D

"Stupid old hag" mumbled Zoro under his breath.

"I heard that!" said Mrs. D "And just for that your grounded"

"Grounded oh man! I- wait a minute" said Zoro "Your not my mother, how can you ground me?"

"It doesn't matter how, the point is, your grounded now go to your room!" said Mrs. D

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Outside, 12pm...

Usopp was packing his things preparing to escape the ship.

"I'll escape the ship, steal another one and ride it back to my village" said Usopp talking to himself "I'll tell Kaya about all my stories so far and I'll live happily ever after in syrup village away from that evil woman. The perfect plan"

"STEAL!" screamed the insane hag known as Mrs. D.

"Ahhhh! You!" screamed Usopp as he pulled out his slingshot "Stay away from me!"

"How dare you!" said Mrs. D "Not only do you plan to abandon my little Lufkins, not only do you plan to steal someone else's ship, not only do you have a slingshot, but you're aiming it at a sweet old Lady"

"SWEET? YOU'RE NOT SWEET!" screamed Usopp "YOU'RE JUST ANNOYING!"

Mrs. D's eyes began to go red. Steam was coming out of her ears. Her teeth became fangs.

"What was that!" screamed Mrs. D.

"Uh-oh" whimpered Usopp "The first time in my life when I'm brave and I'm gonna die for it..."

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Kitchen...

Sanji was having the worst problems with Mrs. D.

Sanji was currently going through nicotine withdrawal and was starting to turn mean.

"Hey Sanji" said Luffy "I'm starved! What's for lunch?"

"NOTHING! NOTHING YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" screamed Sanji "Haven't been able to cook. To busy thinking about cigarettes. That Nicotine gum doesn't do anything! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER!"

"How dare you yell at my boy!" shouted Mrs. D "I'm going to punish you big time for this!"

"Look Mrs. D I don't care" said Sanji "After losing my dignity, my cigarettes and my nuts I just don't care. Maybe you could try stop being a bitch!"

Mrs. D looked shocked for a second and then said to Luffy "Deary, would you mind leaving the room for a second?"

As soon as Luffy left she pulled out a knife from her handbag.

"You've been the worst one of all chef!" said Mrs. D with a new and scary voice "You don't deserve to be on this ship! I'll take you out-"

Then suddenly there was a loud banging noise outside.

"I'll deal with you later!" said Mrs. D, then her voice turned back to normal "Oh deary me I wonder who that is?"

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Outside...

Everyone walked outside to find a pirate ship right up next to theirs. Four men jumped on board. One was a tall man with a scar under one eye, a red shirt and blue jeans.

"Greetings pirates of the Straw-hat crew" said the Man "I am Captain I hate stories were the main character's mother comes to visit and messes with everyone's lives! This is first mate always points out the obvious"

"I point out the obvious" said one of the pirates.

"This is second mate Jerry Seinfeld rip-off!" said the captain.

"And what's the deal with the author not putting Jerry Seinfeld on the disclaimer?" said the second pirate "does he wanna get sued or something?"

"And our Shipwright: pirate stereotype" said the captain.

The third pirate had two peg-legs, two eye patches, two hooks and four parrots on each shoulder.

"Say hi Pirate Stereotype" said the captain.

"Scurvy!" said the pirate as he took one step and fell to the ground.

"And we are the crew of uncreativeness!!" shouted all four at the same time.

"Why are you here?" asked Mrs. D.

"We're here for you!" said the captain as he pointed to Mrs. D.

To be continued...

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**I hope you like the story so far! This time I'll try to post the next chapter as soon as possible! See ya!**


	4. Its finally over! Or is it?

**The Straw-hat's Mother**

**Welcome everyone to the final chapter of the straw-hat's mother! I'm glad that everyone has enjoyed it so far. So with out further ado: THE STRAW-HAT'S MOTHER!**

**Disclaimer: I own one piece about as much as Zoro owns the field when battling Mihawk.**

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"So you want me?" asked Mrs. D "Well bring it on! Author Author Sword Rain!"

A cloud formed above the evil pirates and it began to rain katanas.

"SWORDS!" screamed Zoro as he charged and grabbed three and began to hug them.

One sword went off target, came flying at Nami and tore her shirt off. Sanji nearly snapped his neck from the speed he went when he turned to Nami. "Look away or you die!" said Mrs. D as she pulled out a knife.

One sword hit Second Mate Jerry Seinfeld rip-off in the back and ripped out of his chest. "I... taste... blood..." said Jerry Seinfeld Rip-off "What's up with that? Thank you, goodnight!" Then he fell over dead.

"He's dead Sir!" said first mate points out the obvious.

"Well clearly!" said Captain I hate... Captain Hates Mothers (Give me a break! It's a long freaking name!)

"Author Author Black Hole!" shouted Mrs. D as a black hole formed underneath points out the obvious and sucked him up whole.

"Arr!" said Pirate Stereotype "The whole crew be in Davy Jones Locker by sunset! Best if I run before I to-"

"Not so fast!" said Mrs. D as she reached into her purse "Take this!" And she pulled out... another purse. She began to smash Pirate Stereotype over and over again. "Ouch!" shouted Pirate Stereotype "I be in pain!" Then Mrs. D opened up her second purse and sucked up Pirate Stereotype as though the purse was a vacuum, and then put it back into her first purse.

"You killed my crew!" said Captain Hates Mothers "So now I'll kill you!"

"Like hell you will!" said Luffy "No one attacks my mother! Gomu Gomu Blast!"

"That's it? Bah!" said Captain Hates Mothers "Bloat Bloat Shield!"

All of the sudden is shirt burst open and a huge amount of fat poured out and deflected Luffy's attack.

"Wait a minute" said Mrs. D "That power only comes from the Bloat Bloat Fruit!"

"That's right" said Captain Hates Mothers "What's your point?"

"But… my husband ate the bloat bloat fruit" said Mrs. D "We ate our devil fruits together… its how we met…" Then suddenly the two had tears in there eyes.

"Harold?" said Mrs. D. "Margarite?" said Captain Hates Mothers (Who from this point on will be known as Mr. D).

"I found you!" said the two as they ran up and hugged each other.

"Isn't that sweet?" said Nami.

Zoro looked around "Has anyone seen Usopp lately?" asked Zoro.

"Wow! I found my mother _and _father! What a day!" said Luffy.

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Later that day…

Mr & Mrs D were getting ready to leave.

"Are you really leaving?" asked Luffy.

"Yes we are lad" said Mr. D "Now that your mother amd I found each other again, we can go home and wait for you to come home"

"That's right" said Mrs. Luffy "And about your crew..." Zoro, Sanji and Nami rolled their eyes and prepared for another bitching session. "They are lovely people" said Mrs. D "Not the best in the world, but fine enough for your crew! Also Nami, I can see that you want your regular hair back, so here you go…"

POOF!

Nami's hair went back to its usual orange self. "Thank you Mrs. D" said Nami. "Your welcome" said Mrs. D "Take these as well" Mrs. D pulled out a hundred mammoth coats from her hand bag & gave them to Nami. "Oh" said Nami "Thank you…"

"You know Nami" said Mrs. D "You remind me of myself at a young age- HAROLD! TAKE THAT CIGARETTE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!" Mrs. D grabbed his cigarette out of his mouth. Really Harold!" said Mrs. D "Someday you'll kill yourself if you keep that up! Here you go Sanji!" Mrs. D gave Sanji the cigarette. "Why are you giving it to me?" asked Sanji. "Because frankly I don't really care if you live or die" said Mrs. D. "Good enough!" said Sanji as he grabbed the cigarette and let it poison his lungs.

"Goodbye Luffy" said Mrs. D "Promise that once you become king of the pirates that you'll come home to me!"

"I promise!" said Luffy "Bye!" Luffy sat there and watched as his parents sail away.

"Seriously, where is Usopp?" asked Zoro.

"Help me…" said a voice.

"Usopp? Where are you?" asked Nami.

"In here!" said a voice from one of the cannons "Let me out!"

"Let you out huh?" said Sanji with a smirk "Alright, I'll let you out…" Sanji grabbed his cigarette and used it to light the cannon.

"You should be out in about five seconds" said Sanji.

"Thanks Sanji, you're a real pal- AAAAAAAHH!" screamed Usopp as he blasted out of the cannon "YOU ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!". "I'm so glad that we don't have to deal with Luffy's Mother anymore" sighed Nami "Now everything is back to normal and-"

"Zoro!" said an old voice behind them "Where are you?"

"Mother!" said Zoro in shock as an old lady using a sword for a cane walked up to him.

"Where have you been?" said Zolo's mother "I got some new underwear for you! They're extra thick and camouflage stains! I hope you haven't been hanging with that girl Kuina again! She's a bad influence on you!"

"I'm so glad I'm an orphan…" said Nami.

The End

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**I hope everyone enjoyed that! I'm aware that in the latest chapters of one piece Luffy finds out about his real dad, but I'm keeping this in anyway! If you didn't like it that's fine. But please don't flame me about it. And to quote some famous dude "Review this guy and you're officially cool!"**


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